I’m Way Into Whaling Now II

Murder: my schooner has spinnerz

xhibit put them on there

i was on Pimp My Schooner

Kevin: does your schooner have hydraulics

Murder: yes it does

Kevin: or doez dat scare da fishez

Murder: it aint da fishez i iz aftah!

Kevin: whut you tink da whalez eat, dummy?

Sent at 11:44 AM on Tuesday

Murder: krillz, son!

16 harpoons in the clip and one in the hole

The Winning Mentality

Kevin: ICE AND ELEVATE MURRAY

Murder: hahaha

youre the 15th person whos said that to me

in all capital letters too

Kevin: it’s the answer to all your problems

that and tons of ibuprofen

and probably vodka

Sent at 3:07 PM on Thursday

Murder: yeah i was thinking about just getting hammered tonight

and thinking it feels great

and then re injuring it

and then in the morning having it feel a million times worse

Sent at 3:10 PM on Thursday

Kevin: isn’t your game tomorrow?

Murder: yes

YES IT IS

Kevin: then why would you reinjure it tonight

Murder: EXACTLY

gotta keep the opposition guessing

The Great Hung Over Puke Bet of 2007

IN THE STILL THRIVING SPIRIT OF AWESOME COMPETITION, KEVIN AND I WILL NOW DO BATTLE OVER WHEN ANIMALSTYLE PUKES AT WORK.

This morning, Kevin had an idea. An idea based off of this conversation:

AnimalStyle: I am so fucked up right now

Kevin: What are you on dude? Meth?

AnimalStyle: Coke and alcohol. This is bad.

I had to come in today.

Kevin: Dude what the fuck.

Did you sleep?

AnimalStyle: I just rolled out of bed and took a cab here.

I slept like an hour.

Kevin: Dude get it together.

you’re acting like lohan.

SO NOW SINCE SHE IS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO PUKE AND MAYBE DIE, THE ONLY HUMANE THING TO DO IS TAKE BETS ON WHEN THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I SAID 1:40 PM, AS LUNCH WILL HAVE A CALMING EFFECT INITIALLY, AND THEN THE STASIS OF THE AFTERNOON WILL BE TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. KEVIN HAS LITTLE FAITH SHE WILL MAKE IT THAT FAR, AND CHOSE 12:30.

AND FOR THE RECORD, ANYTHING CONCERNING AWESOME COMPETITION WILL HERETOFORE APPEAR IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

WHOEVER COMES CLOSEST WITHOUT GOING OVER WINS! WATCH FOR UPDATES! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Cue the Music

Kevin: fuck this man, i’m pulling the plug on this right now

facebook suicide

here we go

Murder: CAUSE ITS A BITTERSWEEEEET

SYMPHONYYYY THATS LIFFFEEEEE

REDEMPTION VIA HINDSIGHT

Nevahmind, we won after all!

Kevin: did you win the perfect strangers stuff?

Sent at 10:35 AM on Tuesday

Murder: yep

god dammit

Kevin: dude

that is the perfect ending to our ebay war

are you kidding?

Murder: it is?

Kevin: yes man

everything that could have possibly gone wrong, did

and you ended up with a bunch of perfect strangers buttons and a sheep on a pencil

me: hmmm

YOU’RE RIGHT

Kevin: ‘we are the champions’ is playing in my head right now

Murder: it’s like we transcended competition!

Kevin: we outfoxed everybody

it was the surprise ending no one expected

due to massive misdirection on our part

Murder: dude

that is incredible!

Kevin: i coudn’t be happier

and we couldn’t have planned it better

VICTORY IS A DISH THAT TASTES LIKE SIAMESE FRIED RICE AND ALSO VERY SWEET AND AWESOME.

Disappointment and Anticlimax

Uhh…

So neither Kevin nor I won the autographed Nelson Mandela picture. Some dude named “ToadlyCrystal” won it, with a bid of $4.90. Needless to say that’s pretty god damn pathetic. Here is what the bid history looked like.

I think it’s funny that we both bricked not only on bidding in the last hour of the sale, but also in the last 24 hours of the sale. I SMELL A REMATCH.

Also, ToadlyCrystal. Just let that name wash over you for a minute.

In other news:

Levi: knock knock.

Murder: who’s there?

Levi: twin towers

Murder: twin towers who?

Levi: YOU SAID YOU’D NEVER FORGET!!!!!!!

The Great eBay War of Aught Seven Opens

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT IN THE SPIRIT OF AWESOME COMPETITION, KEVIN AND I WILL NOW DO BATTLE IN THE WILD JUNGLES OF EBAY FOR THIS AUTOGRAPHED NELSON MANDELA PORTRAIT.

MAN: THE MOST DANGEROUS QUARRY OF THEM ALL!

 Actually, the original bounty was supposed to be this set of Perfect Strangers collectible buttons and pencil with a sheep on the end of it, but Kevin decided that since it ended in like a day, there wasn’t enough time for sufficient visceral, edge of your seat bidding action. Too bad I had already entered my first bid of $5.15.

Fuck. Without the competition involved, I want absolutely nothing to do with these buttons.

FOLLOW ALL THE EXCLUSIVE NICKEL-INCREMENT BIDDING ACTION HERE!

Staying in Touch is Important

My friends Kevin and Gorman are good buddies. That’s why they make such an effort to stay in touch:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Kevin Titterton
Date: Aug 15, 2007 11:39 AM
Subject: Re: OH WORD????
To: Eric Gorman <eric.gorman@gmail.com>Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!Word is bond. . . .JAMES BOND!!On 8/14/07, Eric Gorman <eric.gorman@gmail.com > wrote:

word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
word son of man!!word son of man!!word son of man!!
On Aug 14, 2007, at 11:28 AM, Kevin Titterton wrote:

> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????
> OH WORD????OH WORD????OH WORD????

There’s Feathers Everywhere

Kevin: die hard: with a vengeance was on tv the other night

and the truck that Bruce Willis hijacks belongs to John Murray trucking

Murder: YES

I MEAN NO

THAT BASTARD

I WANT MY TRUCK BACK

Kevin: it was for the greater good

there was a BOMB

Murder: does that make me a hero?

Kevin: more of a hero assistant

you gotta start somewhere though

Murder: you’re telling me putting up with Bruce Willis’s bullshit doesn’t make me a hero?

Kevin: do you consider demi moore a hero?

Murder: no i consider her a potter

a blind potter

i could see patrick swayze behind her the whole time

i just took this conversation somewhere else didn’t i?

Kevin: yes

the map just flew out the window

Murder: and someone cut the brake lines

Kevin: and we just crashed through a chicken truck

there’s feathers everywhere

Meet Brown, Kevin, Sequentially.

During my leaves of absences, Brown and Kevin will be guest blogging. I figure they are best suited to keep the MLH readership happy, considering they account for two thirds of it.

So long doodz.