Cruel Fate

Yesterday I went to play 5 on 5 full-court basketball for the first time in over a year. I was really amped. Me and a friend shot around for like 45 minutes while waiting to get into the big game, played some 3 on 3 with some other chumps and everything was working, I mean I was killing it, I was ready to play.

So first play of the game my guy cuts across the lane, gets hit with the ball on the low post and goes up with it. But I’m right up with him and block the shot hard into the glass.

But when I come down I land on the side of my ankle and roll it harder than I can ever remember rolling it, and just like that, I’m done. In the first four seconds of the game, I blocked a shot and then left with a severe ankle sprain. Wow. The box score on that looks incredible.

But the worst part is that this Friday the kickball playoffs begin, and now I can’t play. I can’t even fucking walk, and I’m supposed to be our leadoff hitter.

I am the definitive hack.

And worst of all, when I try to think of other athletes who have pulled up with an injury right when their team needed them most, all I can think of is this, and it’s really, really depressing me:

A Guy Named Ray Allen and a Guy Named Allan Ray Now Play on the Same Team

Maybe you don’t care about basketball, but I do, and last night my Boston Celtics turned the fate of their franchise around by trading for seven time all-star shooting guard Ray Allen, formerly of UConn.

But perhaps the most amazing part of this trade is that now Ray Allen plays with Allan Ray, who the Celtics drafted last year. Even more exciting is that they play the same position. So when Ray Allen goes off the court, Allan Ray subs in as his replacement. It’s like Allan Ray is an evil, fucked-up robot version of Ray Allen, who comes on the court to tear flesh from limb and drink the blood of his opponents directly out of their skulls.

Here are two videos to help you better understand the skills of both players.

This is a video of Ray Allen breaking bitches off and absolutely dominating:

 

And this is a video of Allan Ray’s eyeball getting popped out of his head during the NCAA tournament two years ago:

SO WHO’S THE BETTER ATHLETE? YOU DECIDE!