Brown’s Mom Has Internets

I’ve been meaning to write something about this for a while, because it consumes my existence. A few months ago Brown was freaking out because his Mom got GChat. I thought that was awesome, and wanted her name, so I could talk to her about all the bad things that Brown does. But he flat out refused! So since then, I have tried everything to get my hands on his Mom’s first name. I’ve tried asking him a bunch of questions really fast and slipping that one in, I’ve tried whitepages.com, and I even sent him this in an email with the subject line “Kewl Quiz I found on the Internet”:

1. Who invented the internets?

2. Who was the 41st president?

3. What is your mom’s name?

So a couple weeks ago I realized I was going to need spies to get this done. Or spiez, because they would have to be on the internets. So I contracted KMase.

Murder: do you happen to know brown’s mother’s name?

because she has gchat

but he won’t tell me her name

KMase: hahaha

oh maybe I can find out with some smooth talking

Murder: definitely, he would tell you

just be like “oh, I am doing a science experiment, what is your mom’s name?”

KMase: hmm i’ll think of something

So KMase got to work. And I bided my time, probably googling old pictures of Geraldo or something. But then things went awry:

KMase: ugghh

it’s getting awkward over her asking Brown about his mom

i think he is on to me

Murder: uh oh. bail out.

i’ll see if I can divert his attention 

This is me, diverting Brown’s attention: 

Murder: HEY BROWN

WHAT’S UP MAN?

Brown: don’t have KMase do your dirty work for you

Murder: DUDE WHO IS KMASE?

HAHA, YOU’RE CRAZY. SO WHAT’S UP?

Brown: im not crazy. you want confirmation that my mom’s name is joan

Murder: UHHH, IS IT JOAN?

But he did not answer. I was foiled again. However, the following conversation, provided by KMase, was the kicker, and gave me great hope for the future:

Brown: hello?

KMase: sorry i had to get up

no, Murder and i don’t gchat

Brown: i don’t believe that

KMase: what? why?

nevermind Brown!

Brown: i’m very confused.

KMase: i was just trying to get to know you better!

Brown: listen. i can tell you more about myself, but this has to happen off the record.

i can’t have you leaking my mom’s name to Murder.

KMase: what are you even talking about?

Brown: ugh, nevamind

HE IS RUNNIN SCARED NOW! TRUST NO ONE BROWN, IMA TALK TO YOUR MOMZ IF IT IS THE LAST THING I EVAH DOES!