Uh Oh

So on Wednesday, I am flying to Martha’s Vineyard. I have a flight on JetBlue back to the Bean, and then from there, I’m flying for the first time on Cape Air, which travels only to Cape Cod and the Islands. It seemed convenient. So I booked without thinking about it.

Then today, in anticipation of my trip, I decided to see just what kind of airline Cape Air was. And I found this:

I’m sorry, but it looks to me like for that thing to take off, someone has to throw it. And then if you’re lucky, it gets about five seconds in the air before it crashes into the wall of your bedroom.

The motto of Cape Air is “We’re your Wings”, which I guess is fitting, because I’d probably do just as good if I taped cardboard wings to myself and jumped off a building. Seriously, if you hear on the news about some kid getting sucked into the jet turbine of a 747 because he was running down the tarmac at Logan Airport as fast as he could flapping his arms, you’ll know that it was me, and that it happened out of fear.

Also, here is another picture of a Cape Air plane in flight, presumably on its way to a gay pirate’s convention or something.

You Gotta Take the Good with the Bad, with the Meth

Yesterday after work I was driving home and stopped at Rasheed’s Food Market on the side of the road called Dixie Highway. Rasheed’s isn’t really a food market though, it’s just another one of those shithole convenience stores with a deli that nobody eats from and has like ten dirty disgusting cats running around. Anyway, I was waiting in line to buy beer behind this woman who was fairly non-descript. Older. Short. And, as it turned out, buying the store’s entire supply of ephedrine based cough medicines.

For those of you who don’t know, Florida is one of the few states that still allow you to buy cough medicines with ephedrine and pseudoephedrine in them. The non-backwards states that have outlawed these medicines did so because ephedrine and pseudoephedrine are the main ingreidents in the production of methamphetamine. So here’s the transcript of the conversation this lady had with the clerk:

Lady: How many of these do you have? (pointing to sketchy cough medicine in glass case)

Clerk: What did you just say to me?

Lady: Seriously, how many of these do you have? I want to buy them all.

Clerk: All of them?

Lady: Yes, all of them. (Clerk goes to back of store, comes back with four cases of weird black market cough medicine pills)

Clerk: I don’t even know how many boxes are in here…

Lady: There are 24. 24 times 4 is 96. At 3$ each, that’s 288$.

Clerk: Holy shit lady.

Lady: Take the money clerk.

I may have dramatized that a bit, but you get the idea. Anyway while all this is going on I just stood there with my jaw dropped, going through a whole range of emotions at the implications of what I was witnessing. At first I said “ummm”, and then I said “what?”, and then I said “awesome”, and then I said “no wait”, and then I said “uh oh”, and then I almost said “BRB” because I needed a moment, and then I just felt bad.

This was pretty weird to see at 5:15 on the side of a fairly busy road. But Florida is like that. And by “like that” I mean really fucking weird sometimes. It’s a state full of really stark contrasts. You see bums sitting in wheelchairs in the 95 degree heat at major intersections of four-lane roads, wheeling themselves along the median trying to bum change from the windows of Ferraris and Range Rovers and Mercedes. Resort villas hidden behind thick tropical foliage around the corner from bare-lawned, brick one-story houses with a bunch of shit in the yard and 14 people living in them. It’s hard to know what it means sometimes, but mostly it just leaves you wandering around with this sense of how ridiculous life can be, how poor and rich are so completely blind to one another in a way that only encourages both to stay the way they are and out of each other’s ways, and how people can scuttle around the back streets of this culture that institutes hedonism and ruin their lives by blowing through every fucking stop sign they see.

When the lady left the store I paid as quickly as I could so I could follow her out. I stood directly in front of the front door and watched as she got into her white, beat-up Cutlass Sierra, staring back at me, and started to pull out of the line of cars pulled up in a row in front of the store. I didn’t feel any need to hide that I was looking at her, because the audacity of what she had just done, in broad daylight, was the real shame, but honestly it was a shame we somehow shared. Everyone is complicit down here, that’s just how it is, but maybe you have to live here to get it. I watched as she sped off up Dixie Highway, which is straight and wide and long, like all the other roads down here, headed south.

Then I shook my head and started walking to my car.

On a lighter note, I was able to snap a picture of her with my camera phone while I was standing behind her in line, and here it is. I made an attempt to disguise her slightly, because I guess even she deserves anonymity when some dude who calls himself murder exposes her on these innernets.

Jamez Doesn’t Speek Innernetz

Murder: OH HAI

James: dude you promised

Murder: LOL JAMEZ

Sent at 11:04 AM on Thursday

James: dude

i hate you

Elton John’s Head Photoshopped onto a Ghost’s Body

Murder: http://i100.photobucket.com/albums/m1/johnnymurray/ghost.jpg

Brown: what the fuck is that?

Murder: uh, it’s elton john’s head photoshopped onto a ghost’s body?

duh

Sent at 3:37 PM on Friday

Murder: what planet are you from anyway?

These Innernets are Crude

Call me old fashioned, but I’m fairly sure it’s not appropriate for the term “Clusterfuck” to be appearing in bold on the Google News homepage.

Tying up Loose Ends at the Last Minute

 Brown: MURRAY I NEED A POST AND STAT

Sent at 4:48 PM on Thursday

me: FOUR MINUTES BROWN

I CANT HEAR YOU

LALALALALA

Brown: 

v

me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

NO MORE VAGINA FACE

Brown:  VAGINA

me: SEE, THERE

I JUST GAVE YOU A WEBSIDES POST

Speaks for Itself

The Blog of Anne Frank?

So I was fucking around on the Google today, when all of a sudden I came across the damnest thing. Apparently, not only did Anne Franke keep a journal those years she was locked in the attic, she also kept a blog! Here are some choice selections I found to be most intriguing.

dAy 48: i iz still hidin from the nazis, in the attic. gawd it is getting wicked boring up here. today i ask my brother to make the face he always makes that makes me lolz. he made it and i ROFL. but then i hrd a noize and said SHH! BRB BRB! cuz the nazis were dwnstrs.

dAy 234: today roolz! i wuz lookin thru the boxes in the attic wit my brother and we wuz diggin thru a box of dumb hats when we found a old webcam! it was like totes old but whatevah! then my brother tried to take it away and i said no! whatevah! give it back plz! kthnx! and he did so then we got the webcam up and started taking pix and posted them to kewl sites! then as a wicked funny joke i post my brothers pix to petfinder.com! LOLZ! here is da first pix we toox of me:

LOLZ ROFLZ! LMAO! I IZ UZIN PAPAH AND A PENSIL LIKE IT IS STILL 1935 OR WHATEVAH! LOLZ!

dAy 392: tOdaY i triez to host adsense to make some moneyz off all these hitz i iz getting. (hopefully not from the nazis LOLZ!) But then i clicked on the one for “win a free ipod” like 45 timez to make some extra moneyz and i gotz a email from googlez sayin i was clicking it and they knew so now i has no more adsense. sUx. it is getting wicked quiet around here lately. nazis r dumb.

Obviously the cultural significance of finding this blog goes without saying. The fact that Anne Frank kept a blog, or that Petfinder.com even existed back then is going to erase a lot of preconceptions people may have had about World War II.

Trey Lives Here

I created a fake AIM screen name and contacted my friend Cheese pretending to be his hero. However, it is obviously only me.

TreyAnstsio (11:15:20 AM): hello, cheese 

Jumpboy5 (11:16:44 AM): hi TRey!!!

Jumpboy5 (11:17:06 AM): hows Saratoga treating you?

TreyAnstsio (11:15:29 AM): i just wanted to say thanks for being a fan all those years

TreyAnstsio (11:16:11 AM): it’s ok, it’s ok. i get hammered at e. odwyer’s a lot

TreyAnstsio (11:16:22 AM): i was in a bad place cheese

TreyAnstsio (11:16:26 AM): a very baaaaaaad place

Jumpboy5 (11:17:52 AM): yeah i know man, i was there

Jumpboy5 (11:17:56 AM): it sucks for all of us

TreyAnstsio (11:16:51 AM): i also wanted to say

TreyAnstsio (11:17:04 AM): i really apologize for using the digital delay all the time

TreyAnstsio (11:17:09 AM): i dont know why i thought that sounded good

Jumpboy5 (11:18:26 AM): yeah…

Jumpboy5 (11:18:31 AM): you know it wasnt bad at first

Jumpboy5 (11:18:36 AM): it was just ovrkill

TreyAnstsio (11:17:28 AM): it just made me feel so

TreyAnstsio (11:17:30 AM): powerful

TreyAnstsio (11:17:32 AM): like god

Jumpboy5 (11:18:57 AM): i think you just gotta realize that youre powerful no matter what

TreyAnstsio (11:17:53 AM): thanks cheese

TreyAnstsio (11:17:58 AM): thats very heady of you to say

Jumpboy5 (11:19:40 AM): well that mean alot coming from you

TreyAnstsio (11:18:40 AM): welp, i’m going to house a case of keystone light and blow 50,000 dollars at the race track

TreyAnstsio (11:18:46 AM): you take care of yourself cheese

Jumpboy5 (11:20:23 AM): you too Trey, I’ll look you up at Odwyers whn i get up there thisweekend

TreyAnstsio (11:19:14 AM): ok.

TreyAnstsio (11:19:20 AM): also sorry about gotta jiboo

TreyAnstsio (11:19:24 AM): that was a horrible song

Jumpboy5 (11:20:48 AM): ok

Jumpboy5 (11:21:16 AM): and im sorry about yelling this sucks from the family section during the Friday encore at 8/15/03

TreyAnstsio (11:20:14 AM): that was you?

TreyAnstsio (11:20:33 AM): i didn’t even think that was coming from the audience

TreyAnstsio (11:20:52 AM): i thought that was mike

Jumpboy5 (11:22:15 AM): yeah

TreyAnstsio (11:21:13 AM): ah

Jumpboy5 (11:22:49 AM): and when you come back please please please play a phatty fluffhead > its ice

TreyAnstsio (11:21:44 AM): for you

TreyAnstsio (11:21:45 AM): i will

TreyAnstsio (11:21:56 AM): stay heady cheese

Jumpboy5 (11:23:29 AM): im doing that guitar motion from bill and ted

Jumpboy5 (11:23:41 AM): i don know how to type that but thats what im doing

TreyAnstsio (11:22:32 AM): sweet, i love that, i’m doing it too now

Agent to the Interns of Stars

This is for the FameGame people’s new intern, who I don’t even know. This is getting out of hand/depressing/a little weird.