By The Way…

While we’re on the subject of doppelgangers, something Kevin brought to my attention:

The incomparably charming Stefan Urquelle.

 The incredibly irritating Steve Urkel.

How will history remember them?

A Guy Named Ray Allen and a Guy Named Allan Ray Now Play on the Same Team

Maybe you don’t care about basketball, but I do, and last night my Boston Celtics turned the fate of their franchise around by trading for seven time all-star shooting guard Ray Allen, formerly of UConn.

But perhaps the most amazing part of this trade is that now Ray Allen plays with Allan Ray, who the Celtics drafted last year. Even more exciting is that they play the same position. So when Ray Allen goes off the court, Allan Ray subs in as his replacement. It’s like Allan Ray is an evil, fucked-up robot version of Ray Allen, who comes on the court to tear flesh from limb and drink the blood of his opponents directly out of their skulls.

Here are two videos to help you better understand the skills of both players.

This is a video of Ray Allen breaking bitches off and absolutely dominating:

 

And this is a video of Allan Ray’s eyeball getting popped out of his head during the NCAA tournament two years ago:

SO WHO’S THE BETTER ATHLETE? YOU DECIDE!

Musical Interlude

The kid on the cello is obviously the dumb one.

It’s Science!

Everyone knows that if you drink a coffee in the morning, your pee smells like rancid shoes by noon.

BUT, did you know that if you eat an oatmeal raisin granola bar at 9:30 am, your pee smells like oatmeal raisin granola bars at roughly 4:43 pm?

Cubicle Decorations

A lot of people ask me, “Hey Murder, what do you do at work all day long?” The answer is stare at this. It’s an 8×12 in a 2-inch gilded frame. It’s the only thing on my desk besides my computer.

Agent to the Stars II

Clearly a career is developing here.

Invoice 4 FAMELAMEGAME

Mah esteemed klient regwets to infohm u that you owe him sum monay, to the toon of $462.60.

We ah beginning to feel that this 60 cents extwa evwy week is nothing moah than an insult. Derefore, keep your 60 cents, and spend it on diapahs, babies.

I ROOLZ.

-NaRniO’s PeePz

P.S. for payment, we except eitha cash or links to LOLcatz sites.

 

That voice is starting to make me want to kill myself.

The Dumbest Conversation Between Two People, Ever

 Murder: on it

Brown: nice

Sent at 2:46 PM on Monday

Murder: sent

Brown: DOPERS

Sent at 2:48 PM on Monday

Murder: cc me

Brown: fuck

Murder: whatevah

Brown: redone

Murder: swee

Poll: What Was the Greatest Television Show Ever?

Answer: It was obviously Wings.

This historic sitcom ran for a stunning 172 episodes through the golden age of  my youth, 1990 to 1997, and chronicled the struggles of the Hackett brothers, Brian and Joe, as they attempted to run a small airline based out of Nantucket Island. Perhaps the show’s biggest addition to the canon of network television during its seven year run was the infallible Lowell Mather. Played by a young Thomas Haden Church, the eccentric yet sincere airport mechanic ’s misadventuresome ways were the focal point of the show’s comic relief, episode after episode. Take for example the following dialogue, concerning a ten-foot sub Lowell and others believe will be in attendance at Joe and Helen’s engagement party.

Brian Hackett: Brace yourself guys… um… were not having a big sandwich.
Lowell Mather: Excuse me, but, it almost sounded like you said there’d be no big sandwich.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Everyone loves the big sandwich.
Roy Biggins: A party with out a big sandwich? It-it-it-it-it’s just not done.
Casey Chappel Davenport: All right! Enough about the big sandwich. I am sure you will all be more than pleased with the food especially after you’ve tasted the marvelous poached Salmon.
Lowell Mather: How many feet did you get?
Casey Chappel Davenport: It doesn’t come by the foot.
Lowell Mather: Then how do you know when your full?
Casey Chappel Davenport: I gotta get off this island

Words should have sent a poet.

Agent to the Stars–Meet Brown

So today I was minding my own business when the following correspondence with my friend Brown happened. Brown IS the internet, and currently is helping these guys get a site called FameGame.com off the ground.

Brown: hey, can you do me a favor?

Murder: yeah whats up

Brown: i need to make an invoice for famegame (so i can pay rent)

Murder: nice

Brown: will you make it?

Murder: Dude that is like the easiest thing ever to do

Brown: Negotiated weekly rate: $462.60
Other expenses: $50 (craigslist posting)Total: $512.60

Murder: ok dude

I would obviously be an amazing agent, because this is what Brown sent to his bosses.

FameGame (also Lame!) Invoice 

I love tracking celebs! This job roolz! But Gawd, do I do like everything around here or what!  Here’s mah weekly rate: $462.60 (what is the 60 cents for, like so I can buy some gum or something? Can’t I expense gum? Whatevah.)  Then I made the Craigslist posting for an intern, because you guys don’t have little sisters you can use. Remembah? (Cuz it was like last week, so you should probably remembah.) That was like $50 or something. 

Whoah! Plug those two numbahs into the supah computah and OH MAH GAWD! THAT’S $512.60! THAT WILL KEEP ME ALIVE FOR LIKE ANOTHER 4 HOURS! AND ALSO LET ME BUY SOME GUM!  When does this site start hosting pictures of boobiez? 

Yours in Nooz, 

“DYIN’” BROWN

Lucky for him, my retainer is only one vodka tonic. He better watch out I don’t get any more clients though , because it could very easily become two vodka tonics.

Welcome to…”Shit Canyon”

I have decided I am going to write a novel called “Shit Canyon”. It is going to be in the mystery/thriller genre of your local bookstores within a year, because it is brilliant. It’s about four unsuspecting teens who go for a weekend camping trip in picturesque Shit Canyon. However, there is a fucking psychopath who lives there, and he starts murdering people. Then the teens start freaking out because he stole all their camping gear and their boom box with the Third Eye Blind cds, so they start to go crazy and blame each other. And two of them have sex for the first time, with each other, which is awesome. A passage:

“Oh God, we have to find a way out of this shitty canyon!” said Frank.

“Who would have thought a canyon could be so shitty,” replied Susan.

Sweet. Below is the working cover.