Murder Lives in New York, But Still Here, But Now There, Or Whatevah

This place is big. Why didn’t anyone tell me that?

The other day I rode the bus to Brown’s house. It took a long time. On the bus this hispanic lady was telling her friend about getting punched in the face while she was walking down the street with her baby.

I’m obviously going to do fine here. But just in case I bought this and wear it now every time I leave the house.

Have you ever seen a guy get on the subway wearing a suit of armor? Have you ever seen a guy wearing a suit of armor stare at a subway map on the wall of the train for ten minutes before asking someone if he was on the right train to get to the Museum of Natural History?

Nobody fucks with a guy wearing a suit of armor. Except maybe another guy wearing a suit of armor. And his is black.

Uh oh.

Bitches and Buttresses — Meet Elvis

 Elvis is in Architecture School in Boston. He also fancies himself a Jewish rapper named Schlomo.

Elvis: yo Schlomo the Yid is branching out

new project

this fall

Murder: OH SHIT

peepz wuz waiting on that shit to drop

Elvis: SCHLOMO THE YID AKA M.C. FLOORPLAN WILL BE DROPPING SOME BLUEPRINTS OFF FOR YA

Murder: HAHAHAAHHAHAAHAHAH

Elvis: FEAT. Im Double-Hung like a window

and the hit song “Whats so WRONG about Frank Lloyd WRIGHT?”

Sent at 3:31 PM on Friday

Elvis: IM ON TOP OF THIS HIP-HOP ACROPOLIS

The Penguin Strikes Again

 Co-worker Joe: ok fucking this morning I come in and say hi to penguin and he goes “morning sunshine”

Co-worker Joe: and then I just tell him I crashed notepad

Co-worker Joe: and he says “thats hot”

Co-worker Joe: what the fuck is that

Murder: uhhhh

Murder: what?

Murder: SQUAWK SQUAWK, PENGUIN!!

JCo-worker Joe: seriously follow the fish heads to the gay strip club and accept it already

Murder: HAHAHAHAH

Parappa Da Rappa

Murder: wow

what about dat nigga daz

Winnie Cooper: who?

Murder: the rapper

sorry,

“da rappa”

Winnie Cooper: right, maybe him.

Murder: remember pa rappa da rappa? the video game?

YOU IS RAPPIN GOOD

YOU IS RAPPIN BAAD

YOU IS RAPPIN IN A HOUSE, AND YOU IS A DOG WIF BIG EARS

Winnie Cooper: yeah i remeber parappa

Murder: YOU IS RAPPIN BY PUSHIN BUTTONS WITH SQUARES AND CIRCLES AND SHIT ON THEM

and if you lost it was like

YOU PLAYED YOSELF BITCH

Winnie Cooper: yep, that’s exactly what it was like

Murder: GIT OUT ON DAT CORNAH

AND BRING ME MAH MONEYZ

and then you had to pay the playstation like 40 bucks to get to the new level

and this time you were in like parappa’s backyard or something

Sent at 12:43 PM on Tuesday

YOU IS RAPPIN GOOD

Still Going

Murder: LISTEN UP YE OLDE MUTHAFUCKAS

WE IS ABOUT TO PIMP YO SCHOONER

and they like go to a lighthouse and knock on the door

and some old bearded sailor answers and starts freaking out and screaming like a girl

because Pimp My Schooner is at his house

I’m Way Into Whaling Now II

Murder: my schooner has spinnerz

xhibit put them on there

i was on Pimp My Schooner

Kevin: does your schooner have hydraulics

Murder: yes it does

Kevin: or doez dat scare da fishez

Murder: it aint da fishez i iz aftah!

Kevin: whut you tink da whalez eat, dummy?

Sent at 11:44 AM on Tuesday

Murder: krillz, son!

16 harpoons in the clip and one in the hole

I’m Way Into Whaling Now

I realized today that I have a new persona that is trying to get out. It is a 19th century whaling enthusiast.

I realized I have a deep-seeded need to go out and amass as much blubber as I can. The more blubber, the better.

I need to buy a pipe, so you can find me in the darkness by looking for the glowing embers. I need to buy a yellow rain slicker, so you can find me if I go overboard.

I need to be hanging off the bow of a boat with one hand in a fierce gale, throwing a harpoon through the belly of an endangered species.

I need more blubber, son.

Positive Encouragement — Meet S. Monsieur

He’s all about the tough love.

S. Monsieur: ya know?

did ya think of that?

Murder: yeah, i was tryin to figure that out

S. Monsieur: ya idiot

Murder: nah its cool

i mean,

S. Monsieur: you are so dumb

And then later:

S. Monsieur: if you were to spell out numbers (ya know, zero, one, two, etc)

how far would you have to count to until you found the letter “A”?

are you thinking or do you want to know the anwser

you are so dumb

you idiot head

Just Sort of Weird In General

So I guess the other day some chick found the conversations between Cheese and Trey Anastasio, because she took it upon herself to start writing instant messages to him, which he, of course, concurrently sent to me.

idreamin45mm: your s/n is plastered all over the internet.

just thought you’d like to know, if you don’t already.

jumpboy5: Really, I didn’t realize that many people read murder lives here

jumpboy5: so are you a totally random person

idreamin45mm: Haha, I suppose. I’m Ashley.

idreamin45mm:  I saw some convo with your s/n pasted on it, and thought you should know. Haha.

jumpboy5: wow

Yeah, “Wow” is right. But Cheese managed to turn the whole thing funny, because that’s what he does.

idreamin45mm: So how did you react when you found out your friend tricked you?

jumpboy5: Well

jumpboy5: wait what?

idreamin45mm: the Trey imposter.

jumpboy5: What do you mean imposter?

idreamin45mm: ….

jumpboy5: I mean, I know he posted it on his blog, I sent it to him

idreamin45mm: The kid who IMed you as Trey from Phish…

jumpboy5: I’m pretty sure Trey IMed me…

idreamin45mm: The blog said it wasn’t really Trey, it was the writer of the blog.

jumpboy5: No way, I’m sure he was being sarcastc

idreamin45mm: “I created a fake AIM screen name and contacted my friend Cheese pretending to be his hero. However, it is obviously only me.”

jumpboy5: NONONooh man

jumpboy5: no

idreamin45mm: that’s what it says on the blogger.

idreamin45mm: that’s where I found your s/n.

jumpboy5: It was either trey or Mike pretending to be Trey

idreamin45mm: but that is the first few lines of the blog.

jumpboy5: Yeah, I mean..I obviously saw that, I just thought he was joking I mean

12:45 AM

jumpboy5: That had to be Trey, right

idreamin45mm: ……I doubt it.

jumpboy5: But that was like the, that was the best part of my year

idreamin45mm: Phish is a pretty well known group…and most people, especially semi-famous ones, don’t create screen names using their real names.

jumpboy5: What?!

idreamin45mm: Please tell me you’re kidding and I didn’t just ruin your whole life…

jumpboy5: Listen, I’ve been to like 19 shows, including 04/04/98 and 02/28/03

and I’m pretty sure they know me by now

at least by sight

jumpboy5: which is probably how Trey found me on facebook

idreamin45mm: …..Wow.

idreamin45mm: Do you think he would search for you though?

jumpboy5: Uhm

jumpboy5: yes

idreamin45mm: That’s cool if he did, but your friend outright said he tricked you.

jumpboy5: Ashley, I dont think you understand

I started the wave at Albany and Nassau

idreamin45mm: http://murderliveshere.wordpress.com/category/doppelgangers/

idreamin45mm: I’m not trying to ruin your day by any means.

jumpboy5: I’m pretty sure Trey, and Mike and Fish and Definitely Page know who I am

idreamin45mm: Or…maybe it was your friend who posted the blog?

jumpboy5: Oh MAN!!

jumpboy5: OH MAN!

jumpboy5: AAGH

idreamin45mm: SHHH. calm down.

jumpboy5: okokok

jumpboy5: sorry…Sorry

jumpboy5: ITs just…you know, I thought that He was going to go out and just like, Maybe bring Page. And Page and I would both order sandwiches…

jumpboy5: you know?

jumpboy5: I thought that that was within the realm of possibility…

idreamin45mm: Are you serious? I’m having a hard time following this.

jumpboy5: I’m sorry I’m kind of emotional right now

idreamin45mm: Are you really convinced that this was your idol? I mean…I could be wrong.

jumpboy5: I was just trying to say that based on our casual dialogues, that we would eventually befriend each other, have lunch, and eventually he might bring Page.

jumpboy5: I mean, I thought it was Trey

idreamin45mm: maybe it is really trey

idreamin45mm: maybe i’m just assuming it isn’t without the facts?

jumpboy5: I never really…I didn’t think that Murf would do something like that, but now that you’re spelling it out for me..I mean..

jumpboy5: ohh

jumpboy5: man

jumpboy5: so like, how old are you

The Winning Mentality

Kevin: ICE AND ELEVATE MURRAY

Murder: hahaha

youre the 15th person whos said that to me

in all capital letters too

Kevin: it’s the answer to all your problems

that and tons of ibuprofen

and probably vodka

Sent at 3:07 PM on Thursday

Murder: yeah i was thinking about just getting hammered tonight

and thinking it feels great

and then re injuring it

and then in the morning having it feel a million times worse

Sent at 3:10 PM on Thursday

Kevin: isn’t your game tomorrow?

Murder: yes

YES IT IS

Kevin: then why would you reinjure it tonight

Murder: EXACTLY

gotta keep the opposition guessing